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This week, I had the privilege to speak to MBA students at Georgetown University. Dr. Rebecca Heino teaches a course on communications and asked the panelist to discuss our experiences with difficult conversations in the workplace. The students were engaged and asked thought provoking questions. As I was participating, I kept thinking how fortunate these students were to be participating in this class. Back in my era, we did not have these courses as electives or core requirements for our business degree.
Communications is a critical skill leaders need today to advance their vision, engage their staffs, enrich relationships and drive change. Often we have to engage in and confront difficult issues with board members, bosses, staff and even clients. These conversations are not easy to have because we risk not being popular and the potential consequences. Examples include losing a job, losing a client or our credibility or losing the ability to question authority.
If you are not enrolled in an Executive MBA program which offer courses like Dr. Heino’s, what can you do to develop your skills in having difficult conversations?
1. Assess your communications skills. Either dust off your 360 degree feedback or ask your company to recommend an assessment that measures your effectiveness as a communicator. Most 360 instruments measure communication skills. If assessment tools are not available conduct your own assessment. Tell your team you want their honest, open and candid feedback about your communication style and skills. Tell them you want to improve in this area and need their help. Don’t get defensive. Ask for specifics. No hearsay stuff. Thank them for their feedback and create a development plan.
You can also create your own list of issues that are difficult for you to initiate. Ask yourself, what types of conversations are difficult with your boss, peers, direct reports and clients. Get specific and ask yourself why these are more difficult than others?
Finally, look up the books, Crucial Confrontations by Kerry Patterson and Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott . The first book has a self assessment which will give you immediate results along with practical and pragmatic ideas to help you improve this important skill. Go to http://www.crucialconfrontations.com/
The second also has tremendous resources to help you. Go to www.fierceinc.com
2. Establish guidelines. Get clear which issues require immediate conversations. Broken promises, missed deadlines, performance issues and bad behaviors are examples. Remember to also include a time frame to have these conversations. Don’t let weeks go by. If your conscience is nagging you, it is probably something that you will need to speak up on and soon.
3. Get to the truth! Be clear on the issue you want to discuss. Hidden agendas are off limits. Get real and focus on the real issue at hand. Do you have the courage to interrogate reality? What are the grounded truths in your organization or department that you are dancing around? Everyone knows them and they expect leaders to deal with them.
4. Be Prepared and have the facts. Avoid issues that are largely based on hearsay allegations or comments. I learned this the hard way when I was conducting a performance review for one of my direct reports. I was not fully prepared and did not have all the facts. I presented my opinion of her performance largely on allegations and information I received from others. Fortunately, she had the courage to question me on some of my information. I swallowed humble pie big time and apologized to her.I told her this would never happen again and thanked her for speaking up. I also told my leadership team what happened (not with whom) and used my example to demonstrate what I learned and what I was committed to do differently.
5. Focus the conversation on WE not ME! Conversations include two or more people. Look at the issue from their perspective, what they are feeling, how they contribute to the issue. Then look at it from your perspective and ask yourself the same questions. Enter these conversations with the intention of learning and enhancing the relationship.
6. Share your feelings and intentions. Unexpressed feelings will get in the way of your ability to deeply listen to the other persons point of view. Controlling your emotions is important, but so is sharing your feelings. Ask them what you have done that contributed to them feeling the way they do. Feelings drive behavior and behavior drives our actions. That is why is it vital to discuss our feelings and not assume one’s intentions. Get crystal clear and find out what people are really saying!
7. Focus on outcomes and next steps. What do you want to accomplish by having these conversations? Start with an end in mind; one of Covey’s principles. Commit to next steps. Get specific with what will happen, who will do it and when it will be done.
8. Have the majority of these conversations one on one and face to face. Conducting these meetings face to face enables you to visualize non-verbal clues such as breathing, eye contact, body language and voice tone. If you are virtual, use SKYPE or some other video technology. If these are not available then use the phone as your final option. Do not have difficult conversations using email or phone texting. People will miss interpret what you are saying and how you are saying it. There is no voice tone to guide you in the conversation. The conversation is sterile. Is that your intention?
Having critical conversations is difficult but necessary. As a leader create a culture that embraces open, honest, and respectful conversations. Doing so will enrich relationships, improve employee commitment and engagement, increase productivity, reduce costs and improve customer satisfaction.